No Exerciser Left Behind

Last week Friday we did the NLXF “Fitness Test.”  This test consists of five exercise stations:  The Burpee station (5 burpees); the Sit-up Station (15 crunches); the Push-up Station (10 push ups); the Squat Station (20 squats); The Cardio Station (boxes, ladders and hurdles…three times through leading once with your left leg, then your right leg and then forward.)  There is also the “Catch Your Breath” station, the “I Need a Drink of Water Really Bad” Station and the “I Think…Wait…I KNOW I’m Going to Throw Up” Station, but apparently those are optional.  I exercised ALL the options!

You do eight circuits which means you “visit” each station 8 times. Yep…EIGHT TIMES!  Of course all of this was preceded by a warm up that consisted of no less than 60 squats, 45 crunches and 30 push-ups.  Sigh…I remember when that would have been my entire workout…for the week!

The whole nasty thing was designed by Ryan.  Frankly, I blame ALL the trainers EXCEPT for (oh joy, oh swoon) Creed.  I ESPECIALLY blame SCHULTE for this new form of hell we now experience each session.  I also suspect Scratch Cupcakes were involved.  I mean, can’t you see it…a bunch of bored and slightly sugar-coma buzzed well toned men sitting around a table.*(see below) Suddenly one of them, probably Eric says, “Wouldn’t it be funny to make everybody do all the exercises that Gretta hates over and over again!”  “Yeah,” Sully would add, “and then time them to see how long it would take them to finish?”  “Oh my God,” Eric would exclaim.  “That would be hysterical.”  “Yes,” Sharpe would chime in, “like Marine boot camp but without the uniforms and short hair.”

I can imagine Ryan, reaching for his eighth cupcake, listening to this discussion, and then smiling that Grinchy smile of his and thinking “This is a very good idea!”  And so Ryan created the fitness test. Since that fateful evening, like lambs to slaughter, we come to class on the first Friday and final Thursday of every session knowing we will do it.  It’s amazing any of us show up at all.

Ryan insists that it is a way for all of us to determine our fitness progress, another “tool in the tool box” along with our beginning and ending measurements and weigh ins. Personally, I think it is just a way for him to play out his fantasy of being a military drill sergeant.  Bottom line, I don’t like the test, not one little bit.  And there are TWO BIG reasons why.

One:  It brings back every bad and horrible memory from every bad and horrible gym class moment I experienced in my impressionable youth.

Ryan began the test on Friday by reminding us that this wasn’t the third grade mile.  The hell it’s not!   It is exactly the third grade mile, the fourth grade chin up bar test, the fifth grade sit up contest and the sixth grade 600 yard dash all rolled into one. **(see below)   The challenge to test myself physically in a timed environment generates a mental re-run of  every fitness nightmare I endured as the “fat kid” in gym class.  It triggers all of the anxiety, embarrassment, teasing, and jokes I endured in every single gym class I had to take as part of my K-12 education.  Sadly, my complete failure at fitness tests of the past  still haunt me today, no matter how much I tell myself otherwise, and no matter how much the other members of my class cheer me on until I finish.

Two:  I have no ownership in the test.

I am an educator so I know a thing or two about assessment.  Bottom line, you assess  what YOU, the teacher VALUE.  Problems arise when what the teacher values and what the student values don’t match.

Hello!  News Flash!  Ryan and I have a problem!  We don’t match!  We don’t even come close!

Ryan values burpees, squats, high knees, hurdles and push-ups from your toes.  I value things like my ability to hunt down a sale pair of fabulous Italian leather heels in 20 minutes or less at any mall in the nation.  I value my ability to find the coffee kiosk within minutes of getting off the airplane in any airport around the globe.  I value men who take me to Paris for the weekend.  (Sadly, the latter has NEVER happened.) 

Additionally, the test that Ryan insists I take at the start and end of each session does not include ANY of MY ideas, nor does it reflect any of the fitness benchmarks and skills that I value.  If I was designing a NLXF test just for me, it would include the following:

1. Volume and frequency of audible cursing during class

Test:  count the number of audible curses during week one; compare to number of audible curses week 10.  If you see a reduction in the week ten numbers, I’m getting more fit! 

2. Amount of time it takes me to locate Creed anywhere in the gym

Test:  count the amount of time it takes me to locate Creed during any exercise week one; compare to amount of time it takes during week 10.  If you see a reduction in the week 10 numbers I’ve mastered the art of doing the exercise while looking for Creed. And to multi-task like that…well it only stands to reason I am more fit!

3. Number of water breaks I request compared to number of water breaks I demand, compared to number of water breaks actually granted by Ryan

Count each of the above during week one; compare to counts week 10.  If the number of water breaks I’m whining about match the number allowed by Ryan, I’m more fit!

4. Number of times I leave to throw up during class

Test:  count the number of times I leave class week one; compare to number of times I leave class for same reason week 10.  If you see a reduction in the week 10 numbers, I’m more fit!

Sadly, I don’t think my version of the fitness test is going to replace the one that Ryan has designed.  I’ll just have to suck it up, challenge myself to let go of the negative childhood memories that haunt me, and do my best.

After all, I don’t want to be the exerciser left behind.

End Note:  I completed the fitness test to the absolute best of my ability including HIGH KNEES through the ladders.  I managed to shave a bit more time off my end of session eight total.  In fact, I did so remarkably well for me, that Creed (Oh Joy Oh Swoon) gave me a post-test hug.  Now that’s the kind of measure I can handle.  I’m going for TWO hugs at the end of the week ten test J

*Note:  NLXF does employ female trainers but NONE of them would have gone along with this. Right Danielle!?!?!?

**Note: Actually, I did set the school record for the 600 yard dash as a sixth grader…a record that lasted until the next 6^th grade class came onto the playground that afternoon and ran the same dash but STILL it was and remains my ONLY fitness moment of glory.  And the only reason I ran fast at all was because Terrence Bannon threatened to punch me in the stomach every time he lapped me.  I was scared shitless of Terrence Bannon.  There was no way I was going to let him hurt me.