BURPEES

I really thought that perhaps I could go a few more weeks without having to blog about this most dreaded of exercises.  However, the recent appearance of “pyramid” Burpees in my NLXF class warrants some discussion (not to mention ranting and raging) about The Burpee.

Frankly, I think any and all discussion about The Burpee can be summarized in two short words:

BURPEES SUCK.

But that would be too short for a proper blog.  So here we go.

Prior to my enrollment in NLXF I was a Burpee Virgin.  Somehow, I had managed to live more than 50 years in pure ignorance of their existence.  I sure as hell had never done one.  And I’m pretty sure I could have happily lived another 50 years blissfully unaware of them.

Sadly, all of that changed in October 2011.   I distinctly remember the exact moment Burpees entered my life.  It was week three of my first NLXF session.  Ryan announced near the end of a Thursday class that we would do Burpees.  And by the way, he doesn’t just say the word Burpees…he ROARS the word Burpees, making the U-R sound resonate like the engine of a small aircraft taking flight.  Then he demonstrated one.   You can imagine the look of shock on my face as I watched this exercise unfold before me.  I looked around.  Surely this was some kind of cruel hoax and in a minute everyone would start to laugh and tell Ryan that was a pretty good trick.  But no one did.  Everyone just started flopping to the floor and then pushing themselves up to a jump, repeating the entire process over and over again. 

So I jumped in, too.  I had no problem hitting the floor; that was the easy part.  It was the getting back up just using my arms and toes and then leaping up again that created all the problems.  By the time I was done my knees were bruised, my arms hurt and I HATED Ryan; I didn’t talk to him for two days.

What are they, you may ask?  Well first, a bit of history.  The exercise was named in the 1930s for American physiologist Royal H. Burpee who developed the Burpee Exercise as part of his PhD thesis as a “quick and simple way to assess agility, coordination and strength.”  Royal’s “invention” required simply that the exerciser move a “large load over a long distance in a short amount of time.”

A CURSE ON YOU AND ALL YOUR OFFSPRING DR. BURPEE!

Of course the true irony is that Dr. Burpee's research didn’t remain obscure like 90% of that carried on by most academicians annually, my own included. The US military LOVED The Burpee and immediately adopted it as a way to assess the fitness level of recruits during WWII. And then sports teams adopted it as well.  I don’t care if the Navy Seals and the Green Bay Packers do them; I Hate Burpees (although I LOVE watching Clay Matthews [insert big swoon and sigh] do them before a game J).

For the unenlightened, a Burpee is pretty much the most work you can do just using your body for resistance.  It begins from a standing position. From there you simply prepare to die. 

You move to a squat and then fling your full body weight all the way to the floor by way of a single quick plyometric move in order to assume a plank position.  From there, in yet another one quick plyometric motion I might add, you return  momentarily to the squat position and from there you “jump up” in order to move your entire body weight off the ground before landing in an upright standing position, eager to begin this sequence from hell once again.

A PLYOMETRIC MOVE!  Just bite me!

I can do the start from a standing positon but from that point on, the entire process becomes a cluster of painful disasters.  Trust me, the only quick motion I’m good at is inserting and withdrawing my Visa card into the ATM machine.  And of course it doesn’t help my process at all to have Ryan hovering over me from start to finish yelling “get lower,” “faster”, or “jump higher.”

Burpees continue to haunt me at NLXF since my first encounter with them four months ago.  I continue to hate them and every single permutation of them that Ryan brings to the NLXF workouts including but not limited to:  the Squatting Burpee, the “Burpee Pushup,” the “Baby” Burpee, the Burpee in our kickboxing gloves while our partner “works the bag,” and my most recent nemesis, the Pyramid Burpee.  I am HIGHLY ANNOYED that Burpees are infiltrating additional workout days.  It used to be that Thursdays were Burpee days.  Not anymore…we do them on Tuesdays…we’ve done them on Wednesdays.  Is nothing sacred anymore!

Sadly, a recent internet search reveals that there are NUMEROUS variations on The Burpee including these sick and disgusting permutations:

The Jump-over Burpee:  The athlete jumps over an obstacle between burpees.

The One-Armed Burpee: The athlete uses only one arm for the whole exercise.

The Parkour Burpee: Following one burpee on the ground, the athlete jumps upon a table and performs the second burpee on the table, then jumps back to the initial position. (I’m sorry, but clearly alcohol consumption must be a factor with this one!)

And finally, the Chirpee Burpee: Combine a pull-up from a bar extended from the ceiling with the jump.

Please God, don't let there be tables and chin up bars at the gym this week!